We’ve all seen it, most of us have probably even done it. Excitedly going to an infant, toddler or young child and poking or pinching their cheeks or belly, tickling them under the chin or at the waist. Albeit these gestures are generally well meaning and all to try to get a smile out of a child, what message are we sending to these young humans about their agency with their body and about respecting other people’s agency of their bodies. These well meaning adults (and even older children/teenagers) think it’s okay to touch babies, toddlers and the youngest children whenever they want. But if you shift your perspective... How is it okay? We don’t go around grabbing other adults' cheeks, poking their bellies or tickling them at our whim… That would all be considered violations of other's body boundaries. Why is it acceptable to do this to babies and children? Because they can’t say no? Because they reflexively laugh when being tickled? Because they are cute and cuddly and it seems like the thing to do with babies. No man, no.
Here’s a visual…
Imagine the feeling of really NOT wanting to be touched by this strange person approaching you who you’ve never seen before, who is much larger than you, and is coming right into your face. You cannot move, you are strapped into a stroller or are unable to walk being held in a parent’s arms. Or maybe just frozen in fear and anxiety of this stranger excitedly approaching with a big smile and calling you all these weird words. Or asking weird questions pointing to your feet like “what are these?”. (My feet… duh….) And now they are grabbing your cheeks, and tickling you on and on. You laugh reflexively because you feel tickled. They think you are enjoying it. So they keep doing it. On and on. And then you look at your parent and they are laughing or smiling too. Okay so this experience must be okay… But it feels SO not okay. Whaaat is going on?!?
While they may not have the ability or confidence to verbalize their preference, this does not make it okay for others to impose their preferences. The children are EQUAL to us. How we can empower our children with body boundaries and consent? As caregivers and aware, conscious adults, we can give their preference and their voice power. We must use our voice to raise the power of theirs. Their voice is just as valid, if not more so, than any adult, or older child, that thinks it’s okay to touch, tickle, poke, and prod someone else’s body at their own will.
It starts from the beginning
So when we see someone going in to touch them, or approaching them with intention to touch, or just having tickled our children... how can we be their guide and raise their voice, giving them a space to assert their preference and set a boundary. We can most likely observe our child’s uncertainty or discomfort. I know I can feel my child tense up, he grabs on tighter, and looks at me to try to understand if this is okay. It has taken me some time to explore and navigate how to make him feel most comfortable and safe and set the boundary. I don’t want to come off rude to the other adults or insult them. But my child trusts me to protect him. To hear him and understand him. His comfort and sense of safety with me and in his own body is my priority.
As with every other aspect of our lives, I aim to include him equally in the situation. When we involve the baby or young child in the situation, they have agency, they are an active participant in what is happening to them.
Now very young infants, are not yet able to express themselves or make the choice. So I strongly encourage adults and older children to not tickle, poke, or prod an infant. They learn about their body through the way we touch them. So only touching them and moving them in ways that are comforting, purposeful (for dressing, bathing, diapering, feeding), and calm. And ALWAYS telling them what we are going to do before we do it. We tell them when we want to pick them up, set them down, dress them, diaper them, place them in someone else's arms, and so on. Refraining from tickling them, throwing them in the air, bouncing them around like crazy, moving their arms and limbs as though they are a doll.
With older infants who are able to communicate nonverbally (nodding/shaking their head yes/no for example), preverbal and verbal toddlers, and young children, I narrate it what is going on. “Oh, Uncle is curious about your feet, he is touching your foot.” And then I give them the opportunity to say yes or not to it. “Do you want them to touch your foot?” And give them the space to express their yes or no. Then continue to repeat or validate their preference with the other person.. Kindly and respectfully. And confidently. “They don’t want to be touched right now.”
Another example: “Jen is tickling your belly. Do you want to be tickled?” Maybe they do, it’s up to them. And if they indicate no, or don’t even respond, we can express that with them. Either: “Hm, you didn’t answer, doesn't seem like you want that right now.” or: “No, you don’t want to be tickled.” Then saying to Jen kindly, lovingly, and firmly: “They don’t want to be tickled” This also shares a powerful message with the adult or older child involved, that this young human has a choice if they want to be touched or not. So ask them before, respect their body.
We still can narrate the experience and validate it for younger infants. If we see they are uncomfortable by someone holding them, or tickling, them, or grabbing them, they will find comfort in hearing our voice and it also gives the other adult an opportunity to be aware of what they are doing. So we may say “Oh, Leila is moving your arms and picking you up very fast. You seem unsure, uncomfortable, you are starting to cry. I will pick you up now. Ah, you didn’t enjoy that.”
beautiful products of their environments
Children touch, speak, and interact with others the way that they have been touched, spoken to, and interacted with. And this starts from the very beginning of their life. When we make space for them in this way and approach these experiences in this way, we are showing our children that we are confident and able to set boundaries, and that we respect their comfort, their trust in us, and their ability to make a choice. This gives them permission and confidence to set their own boundaries. For now, by our voice raising theirs. And in the future, with their own voice. We teach them through modelling our behaviours, responses, and respect. They will develop an innate and powerful sense of respect and appreciation for their's and others' body boundaries and consent.
May we be mindful in our interactions, intentional with our responses, and respectful with our touch and appreciation of their physical, emotional, and spiritual autonomy.
If you are interested in exploring your caregiving wonders or challenges together, email me to set up a consultation. It is an honour and a privilege to connect with you.
With love and gratitude,
Kristen
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